Might as well kiss and tell blah blah sique sique skuzznik.

It’s been quite a while since I have taken the time to write anything online. I don’t really know why I do this in the first place, but some of my friends tell me they enjoy reading the things I write. 

 It has recently been brought to my attention in a casual manner that sometimes the stories of my life and/or my past come across as a little far fetched. This doesn’t upset me at all, and in fact it makes me smile a bit knowing that enough wacky shit has happened that I sound like a bullshit artist. I guess my life is interesting… or at least dramatically troublesome. 

Yes, I got into drugs at a very young age… as in before Jr. High. Yes, I was going balls deep into all kinds of potent psychedelics by the time I was all of a freshman in high school. My sister, as well as countless friends (whom were likely involved) can attest to this. Hell, a couple of them were the ones selling it to me… and for this I thank them. Yes, I have had some incredibly strange and volatile relationships. I also have been known to spout off my mouth and despite being a pretty mild mannered guy, I’m ready to ride and I am pretty much up for throwing down at any time. I have been in situations where guns were involved in the worst of ways (yes by that I mean idiots were shooting at other idiots and one time someone that we all knew got shot multiple times and lived). I have a handful of friends and a girlfriend of quite a few years whom can attest to that, because they were there too.

I grew up in a part of town that was okay at best and was in constant decline. It has since become another black hole in the PHX metro map. Home to more gangs, more crime and more drugs than when I was there. My sister is one of my best friends and we have been through some shit together that sounds unbelievable. I know people that have even more insane stories than I do… REGULARLY. (though I doubt you are reading this, yes I’m pointing at YOU Ryan H.) 

I grew up in an early divided household that became two dramatically different families. Yes, my mother has worked in a mortuary since I was a child and my stepfather is a Funeral Director. I did some removals as a kid and watched an embalming preparation, step by step in person. I played hide and seek in the mortuary as a kid with another kid my age who’s mother was the manager. Yes, we dared each other to touch dead bodies. 

 Yes, I have been hospitalized, locked up, down and out, and on top of the world. I’m an alcoholic that no longer practices. Yes I tried to drink myself to death at a pretty early age and it was not uncommon for me to put down a few good pints, and a 12 pack of miller along with a half a quart of whiskey. Actually, it was incredibly common as I did it every night for years. 

I have been through some amazing things, and as you can see here, some really embarrassing things that I am not proud of. However, it is the collection of my mistakes that makes me a living breathing (piece of defecating meat) human. 

What’s the point? 

None really, other than the fact that I am going to start attempting to document every retarded thing that happens to me or around me. Perhaps before I check out, there will be a body of work (?) worth a read or a chuckle. 

We shall start with the fact that for Xmas I got the flu and I have been incredibly sick since the night of Xmas eve. I haven’t been able to breath out of my nose at all, and I have been spiking fevers for days. Just a bit ago I took the longest, hottest shower I could stand and became frustrated by the fact that I still could NOT breath through my nose. As I was about to turn the shower off, I plugged my left nostril and blew as hard as I could… and what LAUNCHED out of me was something so hideous that it will haunt my dreams forever. Some people whom know me really well, know that snot is my only real weakness. I can watch pretty much ANYTHING and not be disturbed by it really. However, I was gagging just trying to get the bad picture I got. The THING was stuck to the side of the shower and when I got out I grabbed my phone to snap a picture. The quarter is there to show size… though it does nothing to represent the girth of it. I just couldn’t do more with it and had to flush it. I can now kind of breath, but I think a chunk of my brain is missing…. Enjoy you fucks. 

 

Fashion, Butch Lesbians, and A Word On Why I’m Addicted To Air Freshener…

 My friend cole posted something on Facebook the other day and it made me laugh so hard because it’s so true. It was a quote from some guy named Zac who is a “gay friend” of his wife. The exact quote is, 

(From Tina’s gay friend Zac) “It’s hard to be a gay man in this day in age because straight guys dress like complete homo’s.”

 NOW ISN’T THAT THE FUCKING TRUTH!?!?

Hipsters, scenesters, deathcore kids, DJ guys (I know a couple!.. yes, you) Seemingly all guys are robbing gay males of their fashion sense, and it doesn’t stop there. Not only are they taking a slightly effeminate angle to fashion, but they are mutating it into some horrendous pop culture statement that is so sad because it’s NOT satirical. These fucking guys are dead serious. It’s like a completely new kind of “gay”. I can’t imagine how irritating it must be for homosexual males looking to meet some guy when said person is out socializing.

 It goes for any person that belongs to any subculture of niche demographic in the world. You kind of get stoked when you see someone who is part of that culture because you think, hey… this person can relate to me. We are the same. These guys are totally fucking that up. Imagine being a gay male at a bar downtown and spotting someone you dig from across the room, only to get closer and find out that it’s in fact not someone you could possibly hit on, but just some douchebag who is exploiting your sense of fashion and even displaying slightly effeminate mannerisms on purpose because that is what’s “cool” right now. 

 It’s also not fair because most of the gay people I know either were in danger of, or actually had the shit kicked out of them when they were young because of the way they were born. Now the clowns that beat them up in middle school are shopping at the same stores. It’s ridiculous. 

 

  Now, while we are on the topic of homosexuals, perhaps someone can shed some light on something that I simply DO NOT understand. 

 “butch lesbians”

 I am not trying to be funny, and I am NOT trying to insult ANYONE. 

With that being said… why is it that a woman who is into other women, would want a woman who in all typical social conventions, displays the fashion, mannerisms and overall tone of a male? 

 I guess the big reason I don’t get it is because women are BEAUTIFUL creatures. They really are completely stunning. So perhaps it’s my own sexual attraction to women that leaves me unable to understand this. From where I am sitting, if I were a lesbian I would imagine that I would seek out the most feminine, gorgeous, lipstick lesbian that I could find. Not a chick wearing cargo shorts, skate shoes, a football T shirt(or worse a jersey) and a baseball cap with a mullet underneath. I don’t understand it!

 It doesn’t upset me, I harbor no ill will toward women who choose to dress that way. What I want to understand, is why that attracts so many other women? Is it because you are into women but still want someone in the equation to display some sense of masculinity? Is it that you just find dicks gross? Or, is it simply something that you can’t describe. Sort of like… why is my favorite color black? You just DO (I know it’s not actually a color, fuck off) Or why do you like spicy food? You simply DO… I am afraid I am sounding like a fucking idiot here, but I really find it fascinating. Any lesbians that can clue me in on this, I would really appreciate it. 

 One other thing that I want to take a shit here about, is air freshener! (completely unrelated I know… this is how my brain works)

I am addicted to air freshener, and I have been since I was a kid. GOOD incense, GOOD oils, and plug ins. It troubles me a bit because incense doesn’t usually hit the mark, but it’s pleasant. Good oils to burn are hard to find (at least in phoenix the are… if you know a good place to order them from, please share) The stuff that really does it for me are glade plug ins! This is terrible I know, because if you trace your air freshener back to who owns them, you typically will find some sort of experimentation or vivisection of animals at the top of that rope. I feel terrible, because I still buy the fucking things! I am working on stopping, and I will! However, I think I have pinpointed why exactly I love it so much…. as is the root of most things in the life of a 29 year old guy…. WOMEN. 

 The smell reminds me of a woman. Right now I have some sort of honeysuckle rose thing plugged in all over the house, and the smell, is that of a woman fresh out of the shower. THAT is an amazing smell. When my girlfriend is fresh out of the shower and she has just washed her hair, and used all those shampoos and conditioners and body washes and what not… she smells pretty fucking amazing. This goes for most women I have ever encountered. 

 Now one may think that this would cause sexual arousal at some level, but it’s actually the opposite. It makes me feel incredibly calm and all fuzzy. Maybe psychologically it has something to do with my mom when I was a kid, bath time, or house cleaning… who knows. The point is… it makes me feel safe. When I walk into my house and it smells awesome, I feel all cozy and warm and well… safe. I will stop using the harsh chemical stuff soon I promise, and don’t fucking tell me to use the eco friendly orange spray because that stuff seriously smells like someone took a shit in a grape fruit. THAT doesn’t signal the sensation of warmth and safety… it triggers the gag reflex. 

Well, that’s all folks. 

Fuck you very much and thank you for my time.

“Ahhhhhh No Sir, I don’t like it. Not one bit.”